Hiatus is a funny word. Hi! – Ate us. Hi ate us. Why would you do that, Hi?
If you’ve followed my twitter, you probably more or less know that I recently lost a very dear, very best friend unexpectedly. “It was a very complicated death,” my therapist told me the last time I saw her. I’ve thought about that a lot – when isn’t death complicated? I am, however, inclined to agree with her. There’s still a stigma around certain ways that people leave us, and for now, this isn’t my place to discuss hers. But to put it mildly, it has changed my world. I knew her for nine years, and she was a brilliant, passionate, beautiful person and it aches everyday. Things seem a little less bright, right now. Even the good news – I bought a new car, I was accepted into the university I had been dreaming about for months – is tempered. Everything is a little dull.
It’s been about a month now, and I haven’t even started to piece myself back together yet. While I wasn’t exactly bursting with content, I had interviews planned, a big interview I had already done, a piece half written about the things I care about – livestreaming, eSports, making safe, inclusive places on Twitch. FemHype has been posting outstanding content day in and day out and I was excited to contribute, excited to be part of it.
Right now it’s hard to muster up any empathy for anything, any semblance of caring except trying to cope with this gaping wound in my heart. As the dust settles, finding that passion again is difficult. I’ve more or less stopped playing Smite. I’ve more or less stopped playing any games, unless it’s Neko Atsume, which has been comforting in its simplicity. I’ve started playing Capitals, which is less stressful too. I’m trying to sink myself into Mass Effect 2, because I want to feel something for games again. I still care, don’t misunderstand me – but right now, it’s hard to feel anything except for this pain.
So, instead of constantly beating myself up for not writing more about games, I’ve decided to make this post. To explain, maybe. Because I felt bright and hopeful and ready just a month ago, and I need to find that again. And I need to give myself time to heal and to focus on myself, and to write for myself, too.
I’ll be posting a lot more over on Tumblr, which is less formal, and after a few weeks of Twitter lockdown, I think I’m ready to interact with the world again. Feel free to send me an email or Tweet at me.
Stay safe, my friends. I hope to see you soon.